Welcome to the New Blog

You know, sometimes things change…and you just need a fresh start. So that’s where I am. I’m not ready to explain where the name comes from of this blog, but don’t be scared off. There will be no specific guidelines or a plan of where this is going at the moment, but we’re just going to see how things go and where they go from here. I hope y’all understand. I’m so excited that you found me here.

Not sure if you noticed or not, but I haven’t actually closed down the other account yet. There’s some good stuff in there still that I have no other place and I don’t want to erase completely just yet. But this is the new home. Be patient with me as I get my feet wet again and figure out what I’m doing again.

So Long Old Life

So much has changed since the last time that I wrote. Mark died. (Don’t remember if I posted that). I went a little bit wild for a while and through some severe depression states. But since then…

I got married.

I started my own business.

I got a new dog.

I made some new (healthier) friendships.

Look forward to posting more about those things in the near future.

I Believe…

It’s been a good while since I’ve written here. Life has been in the way, but today I wanted to write about the things I believe. So here goes…

I believe when you make a date with someone you shouldn’t ghost them or not show up. You should be honest as you say you have been especially when you’ve put in many hours getting to know someone.

I believe that you should be honest despite the consequences and anger that may come along with the truth and yes, I’m guilty of the lies too, but I shouldn’t be.

I believe that nothing is too hard with the help of God and good friends and family. It may seem impossible in the moment but looking back you will see how what seemed impossible made you stronger in the end.

I believe in God and Jesus but I’m not pushing my beliefs down anyone’s throat. It’s not my place to tell you what you should believe in religious or any other terms.

I believe that two friends can be on the same terms or on different terms and still get a long. And that if a fight occurs it sometimes takes time to rebuild to where you were.

I believe that heroes who pass deserve the respect of lined streets and sirens and lights as they are welcomed home.

I believe that we are all chasing dreams and some come true and some don’t.

I believe that no matter what you should never give up. Fight hard. Fight to the end. Don’t give up and let anyone or anything destroy you even when the light at the end of the tunnel doesn’t appear to be there.

I believe that families that don’t speak to each other over silly little arguments or disagreements is a stupid way to live and one day you will regret it. Too bad that day will be a funeral.

I believe that time heals nothing. It’s what you do with that time that heals things.

I believe that you can’t change for someone. If you try in the end you will be miserable and lose who you are. If you want to change, fine do…but do it for yourself.

And finally, I believe that we are all a work in progress. Never stop learning. Never stop growing. Never stop striving to be a better version of yourself. Don’t tear others down to build yourself up and never forget where you came from. When you look back only look back to see where you came from don’t hold on to the things you had to let go or you will miss out on what you are to become.

Branching Out

I’ve sat here and wondered today. I know kinda what I would like to do with my life. There are many things that I would like to do, but there’s always been one goal in mind. Today I put feelers out there for something that might be the start of something. People seem interested in it. So why not see where it goes. I do have a blog here of recipes, but I think I need to add more and more stories and things. But I’m looking for ways to branch out into something that gives me joy again. Maybe 2019 will be a year that… I find joy in something I do again. Because 2018 sure crushed it.

Daith Piercings & Migraines

For 2 or 3 years I’ve discussed daith piercings. I did my research. I read the studies. I talked to people who had it done for the purpose of stopping migraines. I talked with my doctors and care team. I discussed it with my family. I had decided that I needed to do it. Shortly after recovering from gall bladder surgery and realizing that I was going through a bottle of pain reliever a week I decided to have it done.

I had both of them done. The right and the left. They are barely visible at this point. I’ve had them in for 5 weeks so far. I have had very few issues. I’ve worked to keep them clean and try to prevent infections. I have metal allergies. I bought a spray that they recommend at a highly recommended piercing parlor that I went to.

Here’s a little about my story…

The first real migraine that I had was when I was 17 years old. I was in school and in so much pain that I didn’t know what to do other than call home for help. The lights and noise were far too much for me to handle. I was sick to my stomach and slightly dizzy. My guardian at the time understood that I indeed had a migraine. She gave me medicine and sent me to bed to sleep it off.

I had been plagued with migraines after that since. They always became increasingly worse when extra stress was added to me. I did the migraine studies, had MRI’s and tests to rule out tumors and other things that could cause them, kept journals of what I ate, the weather, the amount of sleep I had, the amount of stress, and so forth. Common causes for me were only weather, lack of sleep, and extra stress.

I began having more than 15 migraines in a month. And my options were becoming more limited since my allergies to pain medications became increasingly worse. The list of medications I couldn’t take began getting worse. I had to do something since the other 2 options offered to me were ones that I was completely against. One because it is a toxin that is injected into me. The other is due to lack of full studies and I didn’t want to feel like a guinea pig being tested out on.

NOW WHAT?

I’ve had the same bottle of pain reliever for 5 weeks and only taken medication a couple times (It doesn’t stop headaches due to some weather, lack of caffiene, high blood pressure, or sugar issues. And I’m told hormonal imbalances.) Waking up and functioning through the day with no migraine is a blessing!

The process wasn’t as bad for me, but I do have a higher tolerance for pain than some. I didn’t move or cry or anything with the first ear. The second one I hiss and grabbed the chair arm. But it was over in a matter of minutes. I didn’t have much pain, but did have a little heat to the touch for a couple hours. By the next day I felt a small amount of pressure in my ears but still no pain. By the next couple days, I didn’t even feel the pressure. Now I forget they are there unless I snag my nail on it or touch it in some way I actually forget that they are there.

Best decision of my physical health. Limiting migraines in any way is great.

The Science behind this:

Where the piercing goes in, is an acupressure point. It’s constant pressure there. Which means that it helps get rid of the pain. Oh and by the way it helps with tension headaches and sinus headaches as well.

Christmas is Coming

Christmas is coming and though my heart is aching I couldn’t stand the idea of my house being completely dark. So I’ve put up a tree. Here is is with 3 additional ornaments just purchased in memory of him. 2 that remind me of him and one that is a memorial ornament to him.

Beach Thanksgiving

Due to his recent death, I wanted to skip Thanksgiving all together. But my Gram convinced me to join her on a get away. We went to the beach for Thanksgiving. My mom and aunt went along with us. Us being Moose (my dog and constant source of comfort and aggravation and myself.

We saw the sunrise each day (except Saturday because it was pouring rain) and the sunset (except Sunday because we were stuck in traffic trying to get home).

We ate “thanksgiving lunch and supper” from the local Cracker Barrel. They were running a special, but we ordered off the main menu. It was super yummy too! I haven’t been eating much so one plate lasted me for 2 meals.

We went to Conway to one of the smallest churches in SC. It only seats 12 people. It has 6 rows that seat 2 people each. It’s called “Traveler’s Chapel”. When I was a kid and we would go to the beach, We would stop by there. There was something kind of peaceful about going there. We took Moose with us, but he didn’t go inside the little church. He just stayed outside. When I was 18 years old I paid for the trip for part of my family to go to the beach. My mother will never, ever let it go that we partied too long and didn’t want to stop on the way back. It’s one of the disappointments that she claims as my fault in my life. Every time the church is mentioned she tells the story. I roll my eyes. I did a video for my close friends while there at the church that explains the whole incident. But I didn’t share it with them.

I’ve been very cautious in the past about sharing photos of myself, but I feel that this one was necessary for this post.

I met a man while walking off the beach at sunset. I was sad, grieving, broken, and had just cried. He struck up a conversation with me over something as silly as the shirt that I was wearing. But we talked for over an hour and he walked me closer to our camp site. He gave me 3 pieces of information and advice that I hope I don’t forget.

1. Laugh often.
2. Speak the name of the loved ones who have passed on.
3. Let it go. All the pain, the hurt, the wrongs, the past, whatever it is — learn to let go.

I don’t know his name. I know him as The Old Man. We affectionately coined him as TOM – standing for The Old Man by using the first letter of each of those words.

On the trip home there were clouds that looked like a bird sitting in the sky protecting us. The wings spread wide open over the whole area. It was a beautiful moment. I had a little bit of peace while there. But I wanted to be home toward the end. Yet the closer I got home, the more I wanted to be back at the beach where I could listen to the waves, watch the sun, and send messages to him out into the sea.

 

Christmas is Cancelled

Christmas is Cancelled is what my heart wants to say. I don’t know how to deal with it any other way. Last Christmas was the first one without Dakota. This one is without him or his boys. I don’t understand! It gets harder and harder with each passing year. The older I get the more Christmases I have with more empty chairs and brokenness in my heart.

I decided to put up a tree only. I wanted a bigger one than the biggest one that I have. I asked to borrow one. I keep getting put off for when I can get it. So I’m going to put up my skinny, dinky little tree and call it done.

There’s no Christmas meal or gatherings to be had. But hopefully I’ll find something to do to spread cheer to someone else.

Part 8: To-do List

I tend to get OCD tendencies when I’m super stressed or going through a major high or extreme low. What helps me is to-do lists! Believe it or it it works for me.

I have to get really specific at times. A lot of times I can list:

1. Kitchen
2. Bathroom
3. Living Room
4. Grocery Store

At other times, I have to break it down further:

1. Kitchen: dishes, trash, counters, fridge, sweep, mop
2. Bathroom: sink, trash, toilet, tub, sweep, mop
3. Living Room: chair covers, dust, vacuum
4. Grocery Store: milk, coffee filters, dog treats, toothpaste

On the good days the top list works because my brain automatically knows what needs to be done in each of those 4 things.

On “bad” or “hard” days, I have to break it down or I’ll be standing in the room adding more stress and anxiety to me trying to figure out where to start and what needs to be done.

Twice a year (spring and fall) I do a HUGE clean through my house. My to-do list can be 10 pages long. I list room by room and every detail that needs to be done. Last spring, I was struggling with how to do things. I had my lists but I was bombarded by extreme guilt because I couldn’t get through the list. My therapist gave me an INCREDIBLY helpful tip!

Work on ONE task at a time!

If you get that task done, pick something else off the list and try to do it. If you can, great. If you can’t, it will be there tomorrow. Try again tomorrow.

Questions More Than Answers

I have more questions now than I have answers. Everything in life changed a little over a week and a half ago. I have more questions than answers.

The more answers I find the more questions I come up with. I don’t know how to change out of a life that I don’t want. I don’t know how to fix what is broken (mainly me and my heart). I don’t know how! I don’t know how!!!!

Hard Feelings & Even Harder Decisions

I’ve written about this before, but I keep waking up or laying awake in bed since he passed away thinking about the family that I was born into. I brag about them. I defend them. I make excuses for them. I chase after them and pursue them hoping that they will want to be part of my life.

Then in the end — it all comes down to tears, hurt feelings, and dealing with the fact that those that I love don’t love me and don’t want to be in my life! I want to scream. I want to rant. I want to rave on and on about all the shit they have put me through and how they have made me feel through the years. I want to push all the blame on them. But the truth of the matter is that it’s on us all.

We aren’t the family that we are supposed to be or once were (or at least the created image I have in my mind of how we were). I could air my dirty laundry here, but I try to limit doing that. I know that people read this and I’m not trying to rile anyone up! I’m not trying to make things worse.

I’m just saying that as of November 18th in the middle of the night — I decided to walk away. I’m tired of hunting, chasing, begging, defending, making excuses, and trying to figure out what I’ve done wrong for them not to want me in their lives.

Yes, I have messed up! But guess what!? SO HAVE THEY! The difference is — I forgave and defended and praised them. I bragged about them and tried to do my best to keep them in my life. They can’t get passed whatever parts of life I’ve messed up.

I don’t need something thrown in my face over and over again. I’m not the same person that I once was! I’m not who I used to be! I’m trying to be a different person. I try every day to be better today than I was yesterday. Maybe they are too, but where did the time for our family go?

The meme above is a joke. Because the truth is I love them all. But how many times can I let them hurt me over and over again before enough is enough? How many times can I put myself in situations that I know I’m setting myself up to get hurt in only to walk away with a broken heart?