Hope Beyond the Darkness

I have added a thing where you can find a page that 2 other people and myself post to. It has a variety of encouraging memes from other sources and from ours as well. You can like and follow the page if you wish. You can share it if you wish (and we can’t see who shares it). You are welcome to take a look and I encourage you do to so. We all come from similar, yet different backgrounds. The purpose of this page is encouragement, support, positive outlooks on things, and even a laugh or two.

This is the link as well if you click here.

Sharing a Broken Yet Mending Heart Moment

As I posted in my last message, I have taken a break from blogging. It actually happened unintentionally. Life became entirely overwhelming to me and I had to do something to get myself grounded again. I used my coping techniques, spent more time with my therapist and psychiatrist, and worked hard in focusing on me. It felt selfish to me, but for my mental stability I had to do what I had to do!

I’ve mentioned the name Dakota before in previous blogs. Dakota came into my life when he was a month old. The minute he was put in my arms my heart claimed him as “mine”. I helped to raise him in many ways. I fed him, went to the doctor with him, played with him, clothed him, taught him things, worked with him, cried when we found out he had a terminal illness, paced the floor with him begging God to keep him alive when he was having an allergic reaction to a medication so we could get him to the hospital, saw him during his first seizure, and prayed for him all the time. I celebrated his accomplishments and was broken when he began to lose the ability to do things. He passed away at 14 1/2 years old. A huge chunk of my heart went with him. I think about him and miss him all the time. The anniversary of his death came up and when it did I realized that I haven’t dealt with my grief or feelings. I just keep pushing them down to keep moving forward.

I saw all that because I recently began dating someone I’ve known for nearly 10 years. He has 2 children – 2 boys. And due to circumstances going on that I don’t share outside of our lives, he has custody of his youngest. Which means there’s another little boy in my life, my heart, my home — and I am a mother figure to him. He’s a great kid and I love him to pieces. We’ve bonded well. I promised that I wasn’t trying to take the place of his mommy, because no one could do that. We agreed that I would be his great friend and help his daddy make sure that he was taken care of and loved.

I’m delighted for laughter, crazy cartoons, messes, dirty dishes, tons of laundry, meals that don’t have much leftovers, and family fun again. But it’s making me miss Dakota even more. And I’m trying to stay in the moment but process what I’m feeling at the same time.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

I Needed a Break

Hey everyone!

It’s been more than 2 months since I’ve written anything. I needed a break from many things in life – so I took a step back from many aspects in life and took time to work on myself and finding time to reground myself. That’s extremely important to everyone in my opinion.

I don’t know if I’ve lost any readers. Maybe I have. Maybe my openness to share and willingness to share will encourage others to join me again. I don’t know. I come to write for me. To work through my situations and to remind myself of why I do things.

• The anniversary of Dakota’s death came and went.
• I recovered from surgery and the viral infection that I picked up while in the hospital.
• My liver function is in question again and I will see my doctor next week to confirm.
• I had a sudden death in the family.
• I’ve felt extremely isolated and scared.
• I began dating a friend who I’ve known for almost 10 years. (That part is going well)
• We’ve battled storms, floods, mudslides, evacuation orders – that we couldn’t evacuate with.
• I’ve grown closer to some people.
• I’ve found that those we love can often hurt you in the biggest ways.
• I’ve learned a few new tools for my Coping Toolbox.
• I looked back over my past and realized some things. I actually verbalized them for the first time recently which is actually helping me to forgive myself. I’ve made excuses or pretended that it didn’t happen for far too long.

I’m not making any promises for when I’ll be around to write. Things are not in a settled pattern or routine at the moment and I write most when they are in a routine. I hope if anyone is still out there reading that you will understand.