October is completely fly by the seat of my pants moth.
November is planned to be a month of “thanksgiving”.
December is planned to be a month for “blogmas”.
October is completely fly by the seat of my pants moth.
November is planned to be a month of “thanksgiving”.
December is planned to be a month for “blogmas”.
You know, sometimes things change…and you just need a fresh start. So that’s where I am. I’m not ready to explain where the name comes from of this blog, but don’t be scared off. There will be no specific guidelines or a plan of where this is going at the moment, but we’re just going to see how things go and where they go from here. I hope y’all understand. I’m so excited that you found me here.
Not sure if you noticed or not, but I haven’t actually closed down the other account yet. There’s some good stuff in there still that I have no other place and I don’t want to erase completely just yet. But this is the new home. Be patient with me as I get my feet wet again and figure out what I’m doing again.
Oh dear, I know this isn’t funny to some, but I can’t help it. I have to laugh.
My 70 year old aunt asked me this morning on the phone what a word meant. Here’s where the conversation went:
Aunt: What does D – O – N – A – L – D mean?
Me: What do you mean?
Aunt: It’s a first name.
Me: I know. It’s Donald.
Aunt: Oh, that’s not who I’m looking for. I’m looking for Duke.
Me: Ok. Duke is spelled D – U – K – E.
Aunt: I’m not seeing that in the book. That’s what we called him when we were in school. I don’t know what else it would be.
Me: I’m not sure. Duke is usually a nick name and I’m not sure what name it would be attached to.
Aunt: Oh. I was hoping to call him up.
Me: Why are you looking for him?
Aunt: Well he was supposed to give my phone number to Ronnie (last name removed).
I know who Ronnie is. I’ve heard the stories enough to know that Ronnie is an ex-boyfriend that she dated prior to meeting and marrying her deceased husband – 55 years ago!
Me: Why are you looking for Ronnie?
Aunt: He asked Duke about me and I gave him my phone number to give to Ronnie. I don’t know if he gave it to him or if he lost it. I bet he lost it.
Me: Just because someone gets your phone number doesn’t mean they will call you.
Aunt: Yes, but he asked about me. If he asked about me that means he wants to talk to me. I need to get in touch with him. I called his mom’s old number looking for his sister. She and I were good friends and I know she’ll give Ronnie my number and tell him to call me.
Aunt: Yeah, but she don’t live there no more. I don’t know where she got off to.
Me: Well, that was over 50 years ago. People move on and do things for their own lives.
Aunt: I gotta get in touch with Ronnie. He’s been asking about me and I know he wants to talk to me. He and I were friendly and we might have dated a few times.
Me: I know the stories. I know exactly who he is. You know just because someone gets your phone number doesn’t mean they are going to use it.
Aunt: Yes, but he’s been asking about me.
Me: I ask about a lot of people. They even give me a number or talk about getting together to catch up. It doesn’t mean we do or that we even want to. Sometimes it’s just a polite thing to do.
Aunt: Well I need to find him. I want to get in touch with him.
Me: Maybe he doesn’t want to get in touch with you.
Aunt: But he’s been asking about me.
At this point I realize I’m not getting through to her. I end the conversation and call her older sister to ask how to handle the situation. She just laughs and says “Poor girl.”
The other night it was kinda late and I realized I needed to do a load of laundry. It’s been a busy few weeks for me with so much going on that it was pretty late. I listened for the washer to finish, jumped up from my computer and recliner with a quick “brb” to the group I was working with, tossed the clothes in the dryer, added a dryer sheet or two, turned the dial and pushed the button to start the dryer.
It wouldn’t turn on.
I reset the dial again, pushed the button, and nothing happened.
I was getting a bit stressed about this because all the folks that I would call on for help are in the woods hunting halfway across the country. So I reset it one more time and pushed firmly on the button.
I thought what am I going to do. First, think…does it have power? Yes. I said to myself as I looked down at the open door. The light was on. It’s getting power. So why is it not working.
Still I reset the timer again and pushed the button. Nothing happened.
I began to panic for a moment. I don’t have enough space to air dry any of this. It’s late at night I can’t borrow anyone’s dryer. Why does this have to happen to me? Can’t anything go right. My thoughts became more intense and my anxiety level jumped through the roof.
What was I going to do?!
Then after standing there for 10 minutes worrying myself into a tizzy and trying to figure out what I was going to do it dawned on me – Close the door!
I closed the door to the dryer and pushed the start button. Sure enough…it started drying.
Did you know that these two ribbons stand for domestic and sexual abuse awareness? October is a month for these two things. It happens to women and men all of the time. We might not know about it because you don’t know what happens behind closed doors, but it’s very common. (Probably more so than we can imagine)
I know that it’s not reported as often as it happens. Some people move forward in their lives and keep this “secret” hidden completely. Both kinds of abuse mess up the way you think, feel, and act about things. There has to be a time of healing when the danger is over.
I’ve lived through and survived both of these. It is hard to put yourself in the situation of someone if you’ve never been there. I’ve often heard “Why doesn’t she just leave?” It’s much more complicated than that.
In my abusive situations, I was beaten down in many ways. I didn’t feel that I deserved anything better. I felt as if I had made my choices and I had to live with them. I worried because I was leaving to a situation that I’d have nothing. I’d have to admit it to people. I felt guilty and ashamed. It’s harder to leave than you think it is.
There is help. There is hope. There is a way to recover, move forward, and even thrive. But you have to make the first step…
You might think that the first step is to leave. But you have to make up your mind to leave first. That’s the first step.
I did “Wave of Light” in 2016. But I didn’t think to check the date this year and I missed it. Wave of Light is where you light a candle for the miscarriages, infant losses, and stillbirths that effected your life.
I have had miscarriages. Many women in my family have too. I would have had 2 siblings more than I have if they weren’t taken from this world before they made their grand entrance.
I know that I’m not alone in this. I know that there are others who have experienced the loss of a baby. It’s hard.
This year feels even harder to me. When I had my first miscarriage, on the day I was due, I was holding Dakota in my arms. Sadly, Dakota passed away this year.
The days that I had my miscarriages still impact me. My due dates do a bit too. It’s been many years now, but there’s still a little heart tug there.
Some people wonder how you can grieve the loss of a baby that you never got the chance to love. But those of us who have lost babies (no matter how) know that the love started long before birth.
My thoughts and prayers are with all of the moms (and dads) who have lost babies.
This is the photo I took last year (2016) in memory of the babies that were lost. The two on the outside were for my siblings that were lost. The larger one is for the baby I carried the longest and the shorter one is for the baby I lost not long after finding out I was pregnant.
I want this to be my goal. I want to be somebody who makes everyone feel like somebody.
It’s important for people not to feel alone, forgotten, loved, and unneeded. I’ve felt all of these things at one point or another in my life. I probably even feel part of them now. The majority of my life I’ve felt like I was standing in a crowd of people and no one ever noticed me. I’ve felt like the afterthought. I’ve felt like a stranger to most everyone that I love.
It has never been easy for me to connect to people. I have trust issues. I have a history of abuse. I have mental health issues which cause mood swings and extreme anxiety at times. For a long time I wouldn’t let anyone in. Then I did and got hurt. I shut down again. I began to trust a few people and open up only to be hurt again. It’s a vicious circle. You can’t feel connected to people without opening up. But opening up leaves you the chance to be hurt.
Yes, I know I could be – and probably will be – hurt. But my hope and prayer is that something I do every day makes someone feel like they are somebody.
I don’t know who or if anyone is reading this, but you are somebody. You are important. You are needed. You are loved. You are not alone. I probably don’t know you (or maybe I do) but I’m here.
I know that technically autumn started a little bit ago, but it’s been hot still here. We were going through a time that I began to wonder if we were going to have colored leaves this year. No joke – they were green, brown, and down.
But today as I was walking Moose I realized that some of our trees are beginning to put on their dance of color. The temperature is cooling down just a bit and there a breeze coming in. The Confederate Roses have bloomed like crazy and so have the Angel Trumpets. The Harvest Moon was beautiful. The sun is setting earlier and earlier. Fall Festival is in the works.
And tonight the sunset was a peachy color against the dance of colors in the trees. It’s here and it’s gorgeous.
Now yes I have had the battle with seasonal allergies, but it’s here!
Someone I count as a little sister posted this. It made me think….
When people complain about some things like people not working, people living in their cars, people in the middle of addictions, people without food, and all those other things that people tend to complain about I think we should think about this statement.
You can’t judge people. Well, actually, it’s free will that lets you do that, but you shouldn’t judge people. You never know what they have been through or how hard they are actually trying to keep their head above water. Instead of putting people down or talking bad about them, maybe you should talk to them and give a helping hand.
You probably wouldn’t have wanted to know me at one point in my life. There was a time in my life that I had no job, no car, no money, and no way to communicate with my family or friends.
I’ve done things I’m not proud of for the simple reason that I needed a roof over my head and walls around me.
I’ve opened my cabinet after 3 days of not eating to find 1/2 of a sleeve of crackers and 2 tablespoons of peanut butter. Then I closed that cabinet door to keep it for “hard times”.
I’ve washed my clothes by hand in the bathtub and hung them out to dry in freezing cold weather in hopes to have clean clothes.
I fought addiction – drugs and alcohol.
I’ve tried to overcome the abuse that I suffered as a kid – sexual, physical, and verbal.
I’ve tried to kill myself 2 times. I’ve been so bitterly broken that I collapse on the floor in a ball of uncontrollable tears begging God to take me away from this world.
I’ve been raped and beaten by two different men in my adult life.
Things have been hard. Things haven’t been good or a field of flowers all the time. I’ve had issues and I’ve made mistakes.
I’m not blaming anyone for the above things in many ways. I did it. I caused it. The choices that I made put me in the situations where things had happened. My mistakes left me without a home, food, or anything to call my own. I’ve rebuilt my life several times after finding myself escaping situations that became too much for me.
For many years, I blamed everything on someone else. But I don’t do that anymore. I’m not saying that the things that were done to me were right or that I deserved any of it. I didn’t. No one does. But I do take responsibility for the part I played in it.
Had it not been for drug and alcohol use, I might not have made some of the decisions that I did. Moving in with someone I shouldn’t have. Staying in an abusive relationship for the simple fact that I had a roof over my head. There are many things that I’ve done. There are many things I didn’t have much control of. There are many things that I’ve tried hard to put past me.
It’s in the past, but some people around me will drag it up and throw it in my face at every single opportunity they have. They use my past and my mistakes to hurt me and try to make me feel guilty yet again.
I’ve forgiven those who’ve hurt me. I’ve worked hard at forgiving myself and moving forward. But it’s not easy.
I’m not sure that I am the one who sees everyone and thinks how can I help. But I try. I pray everyday to let me see people as God sees them. I help as much as I can. I’ve been taken advantage of for giving people opportunities that they might not should have been given.
Shouldn’t we stop judging people and start helping more? Ok so maybe you don’t have extra money and things. Maybe you don’t have the ability to help someone get a job or give them a place to stay. But there are things that you can do. A kind word, a listening ear, a prayer, a meal, or anything that you can do in some small way that might make a big difference.
You know, when I had no food, no money, no job, and was completely broken emotionally…someone left a box with 10 cans of pasta dishes on my my doorstep. That person never knew that they fed me for longer than they thought. Or the tears that I cried knowing I could eat that night. It wasn’t something that I would normally eat (in fact I avoid it and always had) But that night…it filled my stomach and I went bed with food in my stomach that night.
Just something to think about tonight.
Well…I guess this is my first blog in the new blog page that I’m coming to really vent how I feel — mental health wise.
It’s 2:30 am. Moose (my beloved dog) is asleep in the chair on the other side of the room and peaceful music is playing. Things are calm and quiet at the moment outside of me, but inside of me I feel broken, hurt, upset, and all of those horrible feelings we all dread.
The day started with my heart being heavy. My father’s mother is in a nursing home recovering from a fall. I was informed that she’d been there for a while and that she was “going down hill”. I’ve had no contact with her in 8 years. I called on Christmas Day 8 years ago to tell her “Merry Christmas”. I wasn’t intending on it being a long conversation, but even before I could say those two words she abruptly informed me that I would have to call back another time because she had family there. I’ve not reached out since then. That was a cut that felt too deep to heal. Maybe I’m just overly emotional about the situation.
I saw her in the store (we live in a small town) and she turned her head and went out of her way to avoid me. She acted as if she didn’t even know who I was. I’m her 3rd oldest grandchild…yet she acts as if I’m lower than a stranger (because she even talks to strangers).
Now I don’t know how to react. My thoughts are racing of the idea that if she dies, would I even be welcomed to attend or notified of her funeral.
Then there’s the woman who helped to raise me. She’s in a hospital now dealing with issues that come with dementia. It’s heart breaking. The strong willed, vibrant, opinionated, independent woman I’ve always known is already gone. She been replaced with a person I don’t even know how to connect with.
I’m just recovering from pneumonia and strep throat. I went through having a scope run down my nose and into my throat and several other tests — they are looking for cancer in my tonsil. It’s rare, but it happens.
The doctor gave me antibiotics. After the 2nd dose, I stopped taking it. I felt as if my entire body was in a fire and I was burning, but there were no flames around me. I had a metallic taste in my mouth and I felt incredibly out of control. I called the doctor on call and he instructed me of what to do. I believe that the medication is finally out of my system and the reaction seems to have stopped.
I went to my Gram’s today to pick up and drop off a few things. The family is going on our annual beach trip tomorrow morning…and I can’t go.
When I came home I found that my house had been broken into. Nothing was taken, but the fact that someone would come into my home…is unnerving to me.
One of my kittens, Mason, is missing. I hunted and hunted and can’t find him. I am very attached to him. He’s loving and sweet. He follows me and Moose around and loves on us. He always comes to me when I call him — but he’s gone.
I’m struggling to be me. I’m overwhelmed and tired. I feel paranoid thoughts on the horizon. I feel anxious. I am strong. I try to give my worries to God and just do the things I need to do to survive. But I’m tired. I’ve sat here for hours crying on and off. I’m out of control of my emotions at the moment. I cry at the drop of a hat. I’m hoping for a better day tomorrow. But tonight…I just don’t know how to move forward and stop the racing thoughts.
About a month ago, I had a phone conversation that went like this:
Me: My mouse died.
Caller: That’s a good thing right?
Me: No. It was a good mouse. I liked it.
Caller: I don’t know of any good ones.
Me: This one was. I got it the years ago at the store for just a couple dollars.
Caller: How do you know it’s dead?
Me: When I wiggled it around it didn’t move.
Me: Then I picked it up and checked it out, still nothing.
Me: Then I unplugged it and plugged it back in, still it wouldn’t do anything anymore.
Me: Then I even got some alcohol and used it trying to get it to do something and nothing.
Caller: If you get your mouse drunk it really won’t do anything.
Me: How could I get it drunk?
Caller: You said you used alcohol!
Me: Yes, rubbing alcohol.
Caller Oh, how would that help?
Me: I thought it might. Now the bad part is I have to get a new one.
Caller: Why do you want a new one?
Me: *FINALLY realized they thought I meant a real mouse* How easy is it for you to play Family Farm with a dead mouse?
Caller: Oh my word! You mean a computer mouse? I’m sitting here trying to figure out why you’d pick up a dead mouse and wiggle it around!
I was ROLLING laughing!